A Dance of Humiliation
2003-06-24 � 3:02 p.m.

Wow. In one of those odd twists of technological magic, WinAmp just paired up two totally interesting tracks: firstly was the acappella remix of the opening of Deee-Lite's "Power of Love" from the Sampladelic Relics and Dancefloor Oddities album, which consists entirely of Lady Miss Kier singing "I believe in the power of love..."

And then it switched straight to The Cure's "Lovesong" from Disintegration.

Now, you might not think that this is such a big deal and you might further think that these two things would not really compliment each other.

But you would be wrong.

---

"Life requires fuel, you see, and it can either be in the form of energy or substance."

---

I haven't been to The Bonfire in over a week. A week ago yesterday, in fact. Astute people will notice that this means I did not go on Saturday, the day that I am actually required to go, since I am an employee.

Well, I didn't.

The reasons are complicated, sort of. But then again, not really.

A week ago Monday, I went to the BF to get out of the house and just chill. I consumed Pabst and chatted with various people, I rode on the back of George's motorcycle to another bar and hung out there with him, Nathan and Chris. We came back to the BF, and I had more Pabst and Trevor decided I needed a shot of tequila, which I unwisely drank.

Now, I am not a big drinker, really. Or rather, I don't see myself as one. Or both, or neither. Whatever, I got inebriated. This is not good, because when I become inebriated, I open my Fat Mouth.

I am, as has been discussed here at obscene length, not a forthcoming person. I am, in fact, private to the point of obsession, certain outlets like Diaryland being the exception.

Well, I opened my mouth and began to talk. I didn't say anything mean, I didn't make a fool out of myself in the traditional sense. In fact, I doubt if anyone else there could even tell I was inebriated.

But I knew, later.

Because I talked about myself. I revealed to Trevor (of all people!) that I had a mad crush on his friend Sarah (which I do, and have had). I allowed him to ask me questions about me that I answered at length.

And so I am ashamed. I am embarrassed to have opened up in this way! I cannot face those people again. It's too much. Even if they don't think anything of it, I do, and it makes me cringe inside to think of behaving that way.

So I called George and told him that I couldn't make it on Saturday, and now I feel guilty about that, too.

I am such a loser, it's painful.

Now that I mention it, I realize that my feelings were hurt that evening, because when I told Trevor that I had a crush on Sarah, he played it off, and I was sad to realize that he didn't approve of my interest in her (Trevor is not good at hiding these things). But now I realize that he was right � he has a better feel for such stuff than I do, and he spotted me as a Broken Thing long ago. Fine for him to hang out with, but he wouldn't wish me on his friends.

Ah.

-t

Currently Aurally Inducing: The Cure, Screw
Selection of the Lyrical Vocabulary: "And the film on your eyes of the way I've become makes me sick..."

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