Like One o' Them Whirlybirds!
2003-12-01 � 1:20 p.m.

So, I'm supposed to be thinking. Considering. Tracing reasons and reactions, identifying root causes. Pondering.

I was given this task by a man named Hadeed. He is clever, if a bit too prone to summarizing. I distrust summarizing, though I see the need for it. I even recognize that the summaries are very likely not even for my benefit, but his own. That is fine. He is otherwise very intelligent and has impressed me with his precision and ability to zero in on things.

And but so. I was given the task of reflecting. Thinking about things. To be honest, I cannot tell you exactly what it was he said when he asked me to consider, but that doesn't worry me overmuch (I was distracted at the time, you see); I caught the gist.

The trick of it is that thinking about the things I am supposed to be thinking about is not something I am any good at, enjoy doing, have any experience doing, or can even accomplish with anything that could be called success. These things, they're like mental traps for me. A morass, gooey and sticky, where I get mired down in the things themselves without being able to consider them from a remove. As a result my mind whirls, and I get desperate and panicky, and I really, really want to retreat from thinking about these things at all.

Plus, I have to be at work.

Work is...not fun, for a metric tonne of different reasons. Foremost right now because, rather than allowing me a surcease from this spinning and whirling inside my brain, it adds a whole new set of crap to the mix. It weighs on me, work does.

Of course, I dislike myself for reacting to all of these things this way — these are not, in my opinion, admirable or desirable reactions. The fact that they are largely involuntary is of no comfort to me.

I realize that all of this makes little to no sense. That's fine. It's just stuff that needs to be said, not neccessarily stuff that needs to be read.

I made a little rhyme.

-t

Currently Aurally Inducing:
Selection of the Lyrical Vocabulary:

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�	Int4rw3b Personals

�	Gene Wolfe

�

Image Fix

�	Again, I Return. (Gonna have to knock this off...)

�	A Return of Sorts