A letdown and a moral test of one's self
2003-02-26 � 11:03 a.m.

Well, I have to say I am disappointed.

Last night was the "SnoCore Tour" show (and I am unclear on why it is called that — perhaps because it is "EXTREME!!!1!") with Sparta and Glassjaw.

I originally wanted to go with my sister. I called her and asked her if she wanted me to buy her a ticket, and she said yes. Fast forward a week, and I was suddenly the organizational focus for getting six people from various parts of the state together at a certain time and place so we could all go.

I hate that. It stresses me out because I feel like if I mess it up, other people's enjoyment of the show will be ruined. What usually ends up happening, and what happened last night, is that I don't have a good time.

Short story long is that since my sister had to come from Eugene and because the show started obscenely early, I missed the two opening bands (Hot Water Music! Damnit!) and about half of Glassjaw. Then Sparta played, and they were good, but I was too exhausted from having been so stressed out and worried about everything that I didn't really enjoy it.

I've been looking forward to this show for about a month, and it was so anti-climactic that it's hard not to just say, "It sucked."

It was too much work. I had people there that were pretty new to the music, who were there because I said it was good, and so I felt responsible for them. My sister was there, which normally would be cool, but she was there with her new boyfriend (and oh boy is there a saga behind that — let's just say I was surprised to see them being all kissy-face) and that was weird. I just couldn't relax and enjoy the show, which pisses me off, because off all the people amongst us, I was the one who wanted to be there the most.

Plus I missed three-quarters of the show. It was over before eleven o'clock, and there were four — count them, FOUR — bands that played. How do you have four bands finishing before eleven o'clock? I thought this was rock and roll?

I should learn some sort of lesson from this, but the only one I'm seeing right now is that I should go do the things I enjoy the most all by myself if I really do want to enjoy them, which is kind of contrary to the way I've been attempting to live my life lately. That is, to be more outgoing, to include people in the things that I like to do, to expand my social horizon past the same eight friends I've had since seventh grade.

I wonder why it is that I get so stressed out in this kind of a situation? Why do I feel so responsible for everything? It happens all the time, and it sucks.

Now, on to another problematic facet of my boring little life.

I have a kind of moral dilemma. I have an employee, someone that when I was in school we would have termed a "non-traditional student," which means that it's someone older who has come back to school. This is more common where I work now than it was at my actual University, because this is two-year Community College, but this employee is still above the median age for students here.

Anyway, this student works for me, and has for about eighteen months. She is an okay employee, not great but not terrible either. She came to me about two weeks ago and asked if I would write a letter of recommendation for her that she could submit to the college's financial aid department along with her request for an extension of her financial aid package.

Now, like I said, she's an okay employee, but I have no problems gilding the lily a bit so that someone can stay in school. That's not too big of a leap for me. So I wrote it. It was an okay letter, but it stretched the truth a bit as far as her role within my little fiefdom here, and I outright lied about my own opinion of her abilities (they're not that high, actually). But, like I said, I wasn't too upset about it if it enabled her to continue her education.

Then she came back to me. The letter was amazing, she says. It did the trick perfectly; she got her funding extension, yay for me, happiness and joy. But can she use the letter for a scholarship application at the University she plans to transfer to next spring? I blanched a bit but gave my permission. I changed the letter a bit and re-signed my name to a new form, and she sent it off. (I don't know about the outcome of that scholarship yet.)

But now she wants another one. Another scholarship, another letter of rec. I am uneasy. I gave in on the first one because it was easier to do that than explain why I wouldn't want her to use it again, but I didn't like it because I honestly believe that there are more deserving people out there for the scholarship and I don't want my lies to deny that person their chance. Plus it was an independent scholarship, not a school-granted bit of financial aid (which is what I wrote the letter for originally). Now I am in the same position again.

I don't want to do it. I am afraid of the power of my letter. I mean, I thought it was okay, but other people often tell me that I underestimate my abilities in that area and I don't want to do that in this case. I don't want it to be my fault, and I feel morally uneasy about the entire thing.

But how do I tell her "no" now? I don't relish letting my employee down when she is obviously depending on me either.

Quandary!

There's only one thing to do: ask my mom.

-t

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