Cthulhu! Cthulhu fhtagn!
2003-06-09 � 5:43 p.m.

Welcome back, Friends!

Where have I been, you ask, that I feel the need to welcome your return? The answer is dull and boring, of course � I've been nowhere! Unless you count being stranded in the heat-laden hell that the NorthWest became last week, sweating out my sins in my cave-like bedroom, "being somewhere."

But such talk distracts us from our purpose here which, judging by the archival material available, is finding new ways to whine about how life, the universe, and everything in it hates me. I wouldn't want anyone to miss out on that, so off we go.

I will now engage in a totally superfluous session of question and answer, so that all Mysteries will Be Revealed!

(Warning: Despite all evidence to the contrary, I am not high!)

Q: Temek, why haven't you been writing in your diaries, returning email, answering the phone, making an ass of yourself in guestbooks, or communicating with the outside world in any way?

A: I'm glad you asked this question! Which is a polite way of saying, "Jump in front of a train, you privacy hater!" Ha ha! But seriously, I have been having a very exciting time. Firstly, there was the heat that I mentioned, which made my unairconditioned living space closely resemble an Inquisition-era vision of Hell, only with more tvs and computer gaming options (sort of like Florida). It had the effect of exacerbating some problems I was having with my computer that I was putting off fixing because I am both lazy and super-lazy. I attempted to fix it by riding skateboards a lot with my friend Kyle, but despite a tightness in my calf muscles, things remained unchanged. They may have even gotten worse!

So here we are now, and I have performed the Ultimate Windoze Repair, to so-called "Nuke and Pave," whereby one backs up all the good MP3s and pr0n, formats the hard disk to the ground and applies vigorous sanding to the surface of the platters with a low-grit sandpaper to remove any vestigal trace of the previous infection, and then starts again, fresh and clean. I am now running Windows XP, something I was putting off for a long time because I am both lazy and super-lazy, and because I can't run my favorire LiteStep theme on it. At least not without work.

Damnit!

But this is all technical silliness, and no doubt you would all rather hear about my new-found infatuation with Dead or Alive: Xtreme Beach Volleyball on the Xbox!

You see, while I am nominally a good feminist boy (or try to be), I discovered that when my rommate brought DOAX (as we insiders call it) home from the local Blockbuster, my predicted conclusion that the game was an exploitative cheesecake-fest built solely to titillate males in the aged 14-25 Geek demographic was completely incorrect! After all, I'm now an ancient twenty-seven years old, and this thing certainly gets my motor revving (at least as much as a video game can).

It's not just the pretty girls playing volleyball, nor is it that the pretty girls playing volleyball are doing so in swimwear. Nor is it the gameplay itself, which is so simplistic as to be laughable under most paradigms of evaluation. No, it's the collecting!

There are, according to my research on the InterWeb (which proves to be a great storehouse of information, you should check it out some time) over 304 different outfits for the girls of DOAX to wear! YES! You earn the money by playing the volleyball, and then you use the money to buy the outfits, along with accessories like glasses, hats, shoes, bracelets, etc. Then YOU pick the OUTFIT. And they play volleyball in it, or lounge around the pool in it, or what have you.

It's like when I used to play "Dress Up the Dolly" as a kid...er, scratch that.

And they say cute things in Japanese! Really, what more could you ask for? Who needs the respect of their peers when they have DOAX?!?

Q: Are you sure you're not high?

A: Yes! No. Yes! Ask me again in fifteen minutes.

Q: Why are you being like this? You've used more exclamation points in this entry alone than you have for the entire rest of your diary. Where did that morose, self-critical, whiney Temek that usually writes here go?

A: Ha ha! That's a good one! Did I tell you the one about the priest, the rabbi, and the Bush Administration Official? Oh, I did? Yeah, I guess it's not very funny. Still, the part about the murder is viscerally satisfying.

As for Temek, well...I'm sure he'll be back. We're just trying something different today. Don't fear the change, kids! Fear stuff like pollution and globalization and Yu-Gi-Oh! and stuff.

Q: How come it burns when I pee?

A: At last, something I know something about! Have you considered the prospect that you might actually be pissing fire? I know, it sounds crazy, but you should at least ponder the possibility.

It's easy to test. Simply urinate onto some sort of flammable material. I recommend something like a piece of paper or a chunk of wood. CAUTION! DO NOT URINATE INTO A CONTAINER CONTAINING GASOLINE OR OTHER HIGHLY COMBUSTABLE SUBSTANCE SUCH AS PAINT THINNER OR OTHER SOLVENT! Temek.diaryland.com will not be liable for any resulting explosions, burns, trauma or decrease in sexual functioning. Take it from me: burning genitalia is NO FUN. When it's yours, anyway. Other people on fire is always funny.

Q: I can't find my wallet. Did I leave it over at your house?

A: Yes, you did. That's quite the collection of photos, by the way. I wasn't aware that such things were legal, or that people would want to look at them often enough to carry them in their wallet. Is that you with all the straps and drenched in what I am hoping is a cherry-flavored syrup? Quite the outfit you have there, very charming. And by the way, please don't ever talk to me again.

Q: Well, this has been fun and all, but I need to go and leave you in peace to be insane.

A: That's not even a question! CHEATER! CHEATER!

Q: Right. Um...

A: Fine. Go! See if I care. I don't need you to have a good time! I've got my 3D-rendered volleyball girls, and my computer, and...and...and the TV! For which I have a control that operates REMOTELY. I don't need you! I don't need anyone! I AM THE MASTER OF ALL REALITY! I CAN SMITE YOU WITH A THOUGHT! I AM DRESSED LIKE A TEDDY BEAR AND THAT'S OKAY! G-G-G-GLENDA! I LOVE YOU BABY! I NEVER MEANT TO HURT YOU! COME BACK!

This concludes today's program.

-t

Currently Aurally Inducing: DJ Assault, Bounce
Selection of the Lyrical Vocabulary: "Bounce baby, bounce baby, bounce baby, bounce!"

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Image Fix

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