Silent Partner
2003-04-10 � 1:28 p.m.

it's dark here.

i mean that in all ways.

i was thinking about it the other day, and i realized that i spend the majority of my time all by myself. and by majority i mean probably about ninety-five percent of the time. the few interactions i have with people on a day-to-day basis are fleeting and superficial. i counted the other day, and even though i was at work and then at my aunt's birthday gathering, i said only seventy-three words all day long.

is that a lot or a little? i tried not to be overly verbose or muted due to the counting, but i'm sure the results are somewhat skewed. it felt mostly like a normal amount though.

one of my aunts actually said in my hearing that i was "slippery" — she didn't mean it badly, i don't think. she just meant that even though people would ask me questions about myself, i would answer with one or two word clever put offs.

i don't do it on purpose.

or, i guess i do...but only because i don't know any other way.

a few weeks ago i went and saw this woman named kathleen...she's my mother and sister's doctor. counselor. head-shrinker. something like that, anyway. i guess she's mine too, though i have only had appointments with her maybe five times in the last ten years.

she's an incredible lady, and i was glad she agreed to see me, though the efficacy of the visit is to be pretty heavily doubted (i was supposed to have seen her again by now, as well as another two people, but i cancelled the appointments). anyway, kathleen asked me about my relationships with people, and...

...well, i lied.

i lied, because i didn't want to sound like a pathetic loser. how fucking sad is that? so yeah, i lied.

i agreed with her when she recalled that my best friend (roommate) was someone with whom i could share things. (she remembered that from all that time ago — this is part of why she is amazing.) but it isn't true, not anymore. that's sad in and of itself, because i realize that we're not the same kind of friend anymore. but it's worse because i don't have anyone that i share with/open up to.

there's barely anyone that i even speak to. except myself, and that only goes so far.

(i almost just deleted this whole thing and logged off. i do that a lot. sometimes i am glad that i do. sometimes not. though "glad" and "not glad" are pretty nebulous and flimsy states for me.)

so yeah. i spend most of my time alone. it's probably not very good for me. then again, people suck, so what are you going to do?

i've been saying that a lot lately. "what are you going to do?" like a question that points out the futility of things.

that's indicative.

i'm not sure where i was going with this or what i wanted it to end up, so i'm stopping now.

sorry.

-t

(forgive me any typos, i am using my laptop and it is small while my hands are big.)

Currently Aurally Inducing: Burning Airlines, Dear Hilary
Selection of the Lyrical Vocabulary: "...the hardest thing about opening up to someone is putting so much power in their hands..."

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