Friday Afternoon Boredom Quiz
2003-02-07 � 1:25 p.m.

Quiz-a-licious, from Kimya via FlyBoy.

x. name = Anna Eleanor Roosevelt.

x. birthday = Not today, poor me. I'm pouting now. Thanks for reminding me.

x. piercings = I have my scrotum pierced with a stainless steel ring the size of my thumb, by which I suspend myself at night so that I can hang upside down like a bat, only by my scrotum! (I like that word now. Scrotum. Hee.)

x. tattoos = I had a bunch of them, but it was a drag, so I had a guy tattoo flesh-tone over my entire body. Works out pretty good, but I can't feel my toes anymore.

x. height = Thirteen inches, give or take five feet or so.

x. shoe size = Ha! I know what you're really asking. Perv-o!

x. hair color = Now what a silly question. Everyone knows I shave my scalp bald and wear a gopher tied to my head.

x. length = My inseam is anywhere between a thirty-four and seventy-seven, depending on which leg you measure, but I wear a size six dress.

x. siblings = The glorious, the marvelous, the incomparable Whitney! Not Houston though, she's a crack whore. Don't buy what she says about crack being too cheap for her. Nothing's too cheap for Whitney!

x. pets = A bizarre and smelly fungous that lives in my fridge. It's starting to answer to its name now! When I open the door and call out, "Hey, Carrot-Top!" it surges towards me. On second thought, it might be out of malice.

last...

x. movie you rented = I don't rent movies. I rent films. You peasant.

x. movie you bought = Safehouse! Patrick Stewart as a secret-secret-service agent who's getting Alzheimer's and thinks there's a plot to kill him...and there is! A wonderful, heart-warming film that ends with everyone dead in the kitchen.

x. song you listened to = The Cure, "Bananafishbones."

x. song that was stuck in your head = Sigh. You're going to make me admit it, aren't you? Damnit! It was Queens of the Stone Age, "No One Knows." My shame knows no bounds. At least it wasn't that damn Zwan song (and don't think Billy Fancy-Pants Corrigan didn't think about the play on words there, no siree!).

x. song you've downloaded = Buttox Sound Labs, Car Commercial music. Oh, and Gandhi, Page Hamilton's new band.

x. cd you bought = Thursday, Five Stories Falling.

x. cd you listened to = The Cure, The Top.

x. person you've called = Bank of America! Those bastards.

x. person that's called you = I got a call from Billy D. Williams the other day. He needed some advice on how to be smooth, but I told him, "Baby, if you don't got it by now, you never will."

x. tv show you've watched = Oooooo, yummy yummy yummy, my roommate taped The Shield for me and I just watched this week's episode last night. I love police brutality, especially when it's not directed at me.

x. person you were thinking of = Ciulionn, actually, because I was trying to remember if I responded to an email she sent me two days ago. Turns out the answer is "no." I am a bad person.

do...

x. you have a bf or gf = Hahahahaha! The women of the world would weep and despair if I ever decided to settle on just one. (But it would be lamentations of sympathy for that one � I'm no catch.)

x. you have a crush on someone = Daily. Hourly. Pick someone walking by.

x. you wish you could live somewhere else = A parallel dimension in which I wasn't a loser.

x. you believe in online dating = Now this is an interesting question. If you mean, "Do you believe in using the internet to meet people to date?" then the answer is yes, of course � that's a perfectly valid and healthy thing. If, on the other hand, you meant something like "Do you believe that people can carry on a healthy relationship that exists primarily online?" then I would have to say no way. I could explain myself, but why? The arguments on both sides are clear...I just think it isn't a good thing.

x. others find you attractive = Glorp! Some people find toads attractive! I haven't met one, but there must be some one/thing out there that thinks I am. No one is sure where it lives though.

x. you want more piercings = I'm looking into getting my palms, feet and side pierced because I was gonna be Jesus for Easter.

x. you want more tattoos = No, but I want more tattoo artists. Those people are all so cool!

x. you drink = Of course! All the really cool people drink, and if you don't, you're a lamer and will be hated and ostracized by your peers. Plus it's easier to pick up drunk chicks � they almost never notice your horrible physical deformities.

x. you do drugs = Again, of course! After you start to drink, you'll realize that there's really only one way to get even cooler, and that's to take drugs. I recommend starting out with a nice steady diet of pot, and then graduating to something like crystal meth or crack. Some people will say heroin's the way to go, but don't you listen to them. Heroin's on the way out � crystal meth is coming back in a big way.

x. you like cleaning = I like clean things.

x. you like roller coasters = Who doesn't? I'll tell you who: pansies.

x. you write in cursive or print = I have my own form of writing that is unique and suited to my personality. Most people can't read it.

x. you carry a donor card = Hell no! These organs are mine! I paid for them with the pain of growing up, I'm the one that beat and abused them with foreign substances and sickness � we're a team, my organs and I! We're going down together.

have you...

x. ever cried over a girl or boy = Hmmm. Probably not. I don't cry very often. I'm way too macho.

x. ever lied to someone = Well, I once told my mom that I wasn't the one to eat the last Oreo, but it wasn't true. I fed it to the dog.

x. ever been in a fist fight = I tried to be, but some do-gooder jumped on my back just as I was about to wallop the guy. Too bad too, 'cause I had a haymaker powered by the forces of hate ready for that bastard. I ran him over in my car later instead.

x. ever been arrested = I was arrested five times for public nudity in my hometown. The fifth time they didn't give me a coverall before they threw me into the holding cell. That cured me right quick.

what...

x. shampoo do you use = I don't use shampoo. I've found that toothpaste actually works much better, and you don't have to apply product to style your hair after the shower.

x. perfume do you use = I put a dab of my own urine behind my ears every morning. I find it keeps the dogs away.

x. shoes do you wear = "Vans in my head/Vans on my feet..."

x. are you scared of = Pickles, spidersspidersspidersspiders, straight-razor-wielding barbers, extreme sports, and that someone will Find Out.

number...

x. of times I have had my heart broken? Ah, me. The perils of romantic love. Hooey! I break the hearts, baby!

x. of continents I have lived in? Wouldn't that be "on" and not "in?"

x. of drugs taken illegally? Hooo, baby. Lots. Yeah, I'm a regular Rock Star! Bring on the liquor, drugs and groupies because here is a guy who can Party! By the way, does anyone know were I can get a replacement spleen? It doesn't have to be clean.

x. of people I would classify as true, could trust with my life type of friends? Fourteen.

x. of people I consider my enemies? Everyone else.

x. of cd's that I own? I don't own any CDs, because I don't listen to music. Music is the Devil's tool, and he uses it to pervert and corrupt young minds! Which is so sweet, dude.

x. of scars on my body? Do the self-inflicted ones count?

x. of things in my past that I regret? Well, FlyBoy stole my damn line that I always use here, so that ruins that plan. Besides which, this is a stupid question, because I can't count that high. It'd be like counting the seconds since I was born. Oh, wait...I could just do the math. But I don't want to.

-t

Currently Aurally Inducing: nada
Selection of the Lyrical Vocabulary: nope, sorry

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